New series: Playboy Ads

     Years and years ago, back when I was a newlywed with no household luxuries (like furniture) and very little money, I would spend all my weekends scrounging around yard sales, looking for stuff I could buy cheap and use in my own house. Like chairs. Chairs were quite a luxury back then.
     One day, I came across a collection of Playboys someone was selling out of a huge bin. They were selling them individually for, like, a buck each. I asked how much the whole bin of Playboys would cost. They let me take the entire collection for ten bucks. I carried that thing home like I had struck gold, and Husband's reaction to my smart purchase choice told me he agreed wholeheartedly. Apparently, he was under the impression not many wives will buy a collection of Playboys for their husbands? I have no idea why not. They're just magazines.
     We've kept the collection safe all these years, and now, looking back at them, it's not the pictures I'm drawn to, or the articles. It's the ads.
     Some of these ads are just the funniest things to look at now. You can't help but laugh. But why should I keep these treasures to myself, I thought? I should share them with my readers! So I'm going to start a new series, the Playboy ad series, and keep it going once a week until I get sick of it or Playboy sends me a threatening letter. Which I don't see how they can do, since these are ads, for christ's sakes.

The first collection of ads comes from January 1987, the Holiday Anniversary Issue.

There are pictures of many women they photographed over the years, including Marilyn Monroe. There's also an interview with this guy:

Which should tell you where technology was back then.
One of the first ads is for a television.

It's got on-screen graphics! And captioning! And 400 lines of resolution! And wireless remote control!
There are more television ads in here, of course.

It's got a double-sided lenticular screen. I have no idea what the hell that means. Did anyone back then? It also has corner to corner focus. Yay! Because corner to corner blurriness is bad!
There are quite a lot of ads for "laser disc" players and VCRs, too. Because no home entertainment system is complete without those. Very 1987 true.

I remember when Poltergeist 2 came out. It was considered one of the scariest movies evah.
This Panasonic VCR can do something scary, too: it can turn your TV into a stereo TV! OHMYGOD! How does it do that?
Freaky!

What say you, Genesis? You like your TV being messed with like that? Oh, I see, you're too busy recording "Invisible Touch" to answer me right now. Okay, get back to me in a few years, when no one knows that song anymore.

 

Okay, was this when Return of the Jedi came out? Cause I have no other explanation for this ad.
It's obviously state of the art, what with it's 16 AM/FM station random access presets! I don't know if this is what I would call the "beginning of an audio and video empire" though. A remote that works from "across the room" is not what I would call far, far away. But hey, it's got a cassette deck! And a turntable! So shut up!

Some of the ads, I wish were still good today. Take this one, for watches.

These are less than $600 each. For gold. At least, I'm assuming it's gold. "Gold Metal" is gold, right? Unless it's like 3 Karat gold? Even so, it would still be more than $600 bucks today.

This end this week's Playboy Ads post. Next week, new month, same ridiculousness!

Playboy Ads

 I've been reading a lot of blog posts lately that, frankly, have been pissing me off. Too much of "if you're kinkier than me you're too extreme but if you're not as kinky as me you're too vanilla" and "I'll use whatever words I want if you don't like it then too bad but if you use words I think are stupid I'll laugh at you and show you the door" and "we should all embrace all types of kinks and fetish but only as long as it doesn't intrude onto my play space if you trespass onto my turf I will sneer at you until you leave you ignorant newbie."
My head is not in a good place right now to write my own blog post about something kinky or kink related.
Then I remembered I haven't done a Playboy Ad post in, like, forever! So thank you, Playboy, for rescuing me from coming across as an arrogant, needy, self-righteous bitch. (Wait. Too late?)
Playboy: the sub-blogger's inspiration.

This post brought to you by the lovely ladies of August 1990.

This issue is chock full of those music clubs ads. You remember those? Choose six or eight or twelve CDs, agree to buy just one in the next year, and that's it?

As nothing but a favor to you, of course, they will send you a brand new CD every month, and have the courtesy to bill you for it! And if you don't like it, you can have a full ten days to return it, and they will graciously take it back! Because they are so nice!



I was not surprised when these clubs went out of business.

 You've got your movie clubs ads, too. Can't forget about those. Anybody want to watch Batman? Like, the very first one?




(Does anybody still own a VCR? We won't tell.)                                                                                      

If listening to music is your thing, though, this "Sony D-35 Discman" might be just for you. It makes it "easier than ever to create perfect tape compilations"!

(I can hear my son asking: Mom, what's a tape?)

Now for listening to music in the car, a Pioneer is what you're after!

I love it how the ad starts with, "believe it or not, compact disc for the car has been around for awhile. There are even a chosen few who could actually afford to buy one."

Really? I had no idea!

Of course now, the compact disc for the car has been gone for a while. But there are still a chosen few who might actually listen to one.

(Okay, I admit it. I still have some CDs in my car. I am old.)

This thing is supposed to be one of those high-priced fancy-shmansy toys for "real" Playboy men.

It allows you to play CDs and LPs (!!) on the same equipment, for the tidy price of $349.95.
The price includes the 30-function (gasp) remote control!

Last, but not least, is this:

I actually really wanted one of these things when I was a kid. It looked so cool. I guess the word "kareoke" hadn't been invented yet.
Feel old now, too? I know, I know. Sand through the hourglass and all that. It's okay. If it makes you feel any better, our kids will probably be showing their kids the iPods, trying to explain how they used to listen to music, and their kids will probably be asking the same kinds of questions. "What's an iPod?"

Yeah, that didn't make me feel any better, either.

Weekly Playboy Ads

First up, for the people wondering: Yes I was punished. Oh my baby JESUS was I punished. The marks curved around my thighs and hurt so bad it hurt to lie down on my sides.
Husband used a thin, looped power cord first (it's his favorite cause it doesn't make this loud slapping noise on impact, so the only sound he's hearing is my hollering), then the paddle, then the flogger.
I thought he was done after the paddle. There always comes this point at the end of a punishment when things begin to wind down, and you just get a sense that it's almost over, you know? And then yesterday, I thought he was done after the paddle...he "made nice" and lulled me into thinking it was over...and then he started in with the flogger. It didn't hurt as much as the cord, but my dismay at that point was overwhelming. I was crying before he was done.
Anyway. It's done. I won't be making the same mistake again.
Onward!
This post brought to you by the nice ladies of November 1990.

I'm skipping a couple months I think, but this issue is such a doozy I decided I couldn't wait. What makes it so special, you may ask?
For starters, I opened the front page and saw this:

"Pierre, catch me, I'm falling!"
"I got you, Frachesca. Now look all pouty-intense for the camera."

That guy on the right, his hair--that ushered in the new decade right there. Did you notice how they all have these looks on their faces, like they're all stuffed with butt plugs? And the guy on top is like, "what?  What's the big deal? Butt plugs aren't so bad. What's with you guys?"
Kinda like what I was saying when I saw the ad in the first place.
The artistry continues:

This is a beautiful kimono. The model is gorgeous. But what does a geisha have to do with beer? Assuming she is a geisha. I never heard of a geisha that serves beer, but then, I've never personally known a geisha. If anyone out there personally knows a geisha, ask 'em for me if they serve beer, okay? Okay.

Let's move on the technological signs of the times. This music player claims it's designed for people with little space, and yet...it doesn't look all that small to me. At first glance, it looks like it's supposed to fit compactly into a book shelf, but if you look closer, you realize the whole thing's been photoshopped. You see the picture in the lower right? The one of the whole system? Yah, that's about the same actual size of an Ipod shuffle right there.
Mind boggling if you ask me.







Speaking of photoshopped:

Let's spot the problems, shall we?
1. The girl in the blue bikini has no legs.
2. The girl in the blue-checkered bikini has nothing at all below the rib cage.
3. The girl in the red bikini has no right arm.
4. The girl in the yellow bikini seems to have a twisted spine.
Maybe it's an ad for amputees? I actually think that would be uber cool. There's nothing that says an amputee can't be a total hotty, you know--and I'd argue with anyone who says otherwise. I once dated a guy missing two fingers on one hand (war wound), but what he could do with those three other fingers was awesome. And quite talented.
Next!

Let's look at a couple T.V. ads. This T.V. is smart. Why? Because it has a "smart window," a "picture-in-a-picture." Apparently this is great for sports fans, but not for the rest of us who don't know the difference between the World Cup and the Super Bowl and frankly, don't really care.
Yeah, I admitted it. So there.
The funniest thing is the small print, there at the bottom, if you can read it: the "smart window" only works if you have the T.V. hooked up to a VCR. No explaining why.

This ad seems to (want to) appeal to the more sophisticated, more refined reader. Notice the spongy-textured background of polished wood. Notice the DVD player it seems to come with. Notice how it's Elite. Notice the two graphs on the left which prove how this TV is better, because graphs prove everything. 










You might need a VCR with this one too, though.

So get the VCR even a five-year-old can use!

Seriously, do you remember how hard it used to be to program those VCRs? No one could, no matter what the ads said, but the VCR that could market itself as the easiest to program always won out. Even though we all knew it was a lie.

I haven't used a VCR in years. My youngest kid doesn't even know what one is.


I am old.




So is this computer:

You get a word processor that can convert to a typewriter, and 50,000 word memory, and a spelling/grammer check, and a printer, and a monitor! All for $900! EAT YOUR HEART OUT, LAPTOP!

I just laughed out loud when I saw this ad.

You know what these are, right? They're balls. Gold balls--that want you to "Hang Tough." If that weren't bad enough, there's a picture on the left of the balls being held by a...monkey. Are they trying to tell you you are a monkey for buying these balls? Or that you'll have monkey balls? Does either one really appeal?
One thing's for sure, these are NOT "power tools." Having a pair of gold balls on your desk does not make anyone look powerful. But I'm sure they'll be a conversation-starter.
And finally, our last ad, which happens to be on the back of the Playboy itself.

It will change the way you hear music by turning your female companion into a dog. Unless she was always a dog. In which case, you really need to put down the Playboy and get yourself out of the house. Go to a munch or a club or something.
I like the flowers on the side though. They were a nice touch.
I'm putting this post up a day early 'cause I'm going on vacation for a week and won't be around. No posts till I get back probably, unless I get access to a computer somewhere. See you later, Kinksters!

Playboy Ads Post

It's been a long fucking time since I did one of these Playboy Ads post, so let me bring you up to speed:
When Husband and I were first married, we were on a tight budget, so we bought most of our furniture and housewares used. Every weekend, we would scour the neighborhood, looking for yard sales that seemed promising. Even after we didn't need anything in particular anymore, we still would often stop at the larger and busier yard sales, just for the fun of it. I don't know how many of you have ever stopped at a yard sale, but it can be really fun. You find amazing shit that other people have been storing in their attics or garages for years and don't want anymore.

One day I just happened to be walking down the street, and passes a small yard sale. There were only a few items out, some books, some kitchen supplies...and this big tupperware container. I looked inside, and lo and behold, it was full of PLAYBOY MAGAZINES.

The guy was a little surprised by my interest, but I, the good wife, knew Husband would be forever grateful if I bought these magazines for him. They were being sold by the issue.
"How much for the whole collection?" I asked.
The guy's eyes grew round, as he was clearly thrown off by the question, coming from a young woman. "Ten bucks," he said.
To this day, I wonder if he's still kicking himself for selling the whole collection for a measly ten.
I still look at these Playboy magazines now and then, but not for the pictures. (Or should I say, not just for the pictures.) I pull them out and admire the ads.
Because the ads, people...the ads.

This post is brought to you by March, 1991:

Oh Stephanie Seymour, your beauty is timeless.

The first thing you'll notice is that the magazine is (still) full of ads like this

and this

When did those ads stop running, anyway? Mmm, I'll have to go through a 1995 mag, and see if the ads are still in there. Certainly, by the time mp3s came along, the ads were doomed. But I don't know exactly when that was.
This ad cracks me up

But makes me feel old at the same time. I remember when Star Trek TNG was new. Now it's...quaint. That ship has sailed so far around the world, we're right back where we started, and now a new movie of the old crew is coming out soon, and Will Wheaton's big claim to fame is collating paper for The Bloggess.
Moving on.

Joe Montana was selling shoes. I'm sorry, but I really don't see the difference between March, 1991 shoes and shoes sold today. I know those people waiting in line for four hours for a chance to buy the new Air Jordans would disagree with me, but I personally don't get it.

If any of my readers still own this car, please send me a photo. I think the only word to describe it is "nifty."

"A diamond is forever. Thank God these haircuts are not. Look! Even our sweaters are the same! We are so compatible."

It's not just the old technology here I could mock, it's the language. "Pronounced" Advantage? As in, not really pronounced...just kinda pronounced. Pseudo-pronounced.
I wish I could go back in time and send this to the 1991 version of Unnecessary Quotation Marks...if there was one. Probably not.
Sigh.

All Playboy Mags are full of ads for other Playboy products, but this one caught my eye because the video was also made by The Sharper Image. Do you guys remember The Sharper Image? That was my favorite store. It was so cool.
It's not cool to say cool anymore, is it? Well I don't give a fuck. That store was wicked cool, full of wicked awesome things, and all of them were 100% pervertable.

This ad is for a DAT, or "digital audio tape," Walkman. Apparently it's big claim to fame was the ability to record CDs to cassettes. After you get over the shock of the old technology, take a look at the prices: The Walkman is $850 dollars. The car stereo system under it is $1800. The Digital Audio Recording System under that is $5000, and the remote is another $1000.
A remote. For $1000 bucks. Now you can just program your phone.

This is the first ad I've ever seen in Playboy that's showcasing a picture for sale. It's a Milton Glaser print, and according to the ad, this edition was limited to 375 copies, each one numbered and signed. On eBay, Milton Glaser prints sell anywhere from $100 to $350, certainly not the $500 dollars this ad was asking for. On the other hand, this one is signed, so who knows. Maybe by now, the buyers are feeling like they got their money's worth. Hopefully.
And now...the ad for the product I wish they were still selling today (or maybe they are, and I just don't know it. I'm frankly too lazy to check at this point)...drum roll please...

Is this sword not totally fucking cool? It's totally fucking cool. Get in my toy bag, sword!

So there you have it. Another Playboy Ad Post come and gone. (Am I the only one who wants to giggle every time I have to use the word "come" in a sentence?) Hopefully I won't wait so long to do another one. Then again, I do have a limited supply. It was only one container, after all.

Playboy Ads Weekly Series

This week's Playboy ads brought to you by the fine ladies of September 1989.

This must have been around the time that the last GOOD Indiana Jones movie came out, because there is a whole page ad for this:

There's some bad photoshopping right there, unless his forehead protrudes about a foot beyond the rest of his skull. Hay! Maybe that was the original idea behind Kingdom of the Lost Skull! Okay, I admit, that was lame.

You know, the ad might be silly, but the photo is damn fine. Harrison Ford, pre-Calista Flockhart, was quite a nice specimen. Just look at that man hand!



Okay, moving on.

This ad made me realize how tastes can change so much over time. Back in 1989, men were supposed to have hairless chests. All the guys on Beverly Hills, 90210 had bare chests, remember?





And then this guy came along:

And all of a sudden it was okay to have a hair again. Lots of it. And army tags instead of a wimpy "Franklin Mint American Eagle Medallion." I mean, look at those two pictures again. Which chest would you rather rake your hands over?



We've got our technological signs of the times, of course. Like this ad:

This phone ushered in a "new era" of cordless phones. The antenna is on the inside! How did they do that? Of course, now when I hear "Cobra," what I'm thinking about is temporary health insurance and job loss. My my, how times have changed.

Frankly, I'm not sure this ad was cool even in 1989. It certainly doesn't look like something that belongs in Playboy; it looks like something that would be much more fitting for a teen magazine, circa 1985.
"Yo! So Low"? What does that even mean?
And now, I present to you: the return of June and Steve!

"Okay June, let's just call a truce...
wait, what's that on my ass?
June, NO!!

At least in this ad, they are both looking at the camera, even if they still don't look too happy. But this time, it's not just her knee that looks wedged in his ass, it's her hand, too.















The ad that I wish was still good today:

I think this is so cute. Seriously, you can open bottles while holding onto this little gem. Not that I have so many bottles to open, but still. I've never seen a novelty item like this. Have you?

Next week, new ridiculousness!

Weekly Playboy Ads

This post brought to you by the beautiful ladies of August 1989.

A couple interesting things about this issue, but first let's get to the technological signs of the times.

A brand new Toyota car which, by the picture presented, will push you into orgasmic delight, looks like this:





It's a nice looking car, by 1989 standards. I'm not sure what the guy has under his arm, though. What's funny is that at first glance I assumed it was a laptop, and then I was like, 'uh, no. Can't be.' Is it a thin briefcase? A folder of papers? And what's with the suspenders?

An ad for a "nuclear" walkman. Very high-tech, very impressive, as all the neon squiggly lines show. And you know what? Back in 1989, I probably would have wanted to own this...Nah. Weren't we already into CDs by then?

This neat little guy is actually a VCR that can play tapes right onto that screen there. It also can run in your car. It's expensive, but you gotta admit, it probably came in pretty handy for the people who owned them. Families who went on long car rides, most likely.




Okay, so here's the first weird things about this issue of Playboy: there aren't that many ads. And I don't just mean ads I can pick to show you and ridicule, I mean the issue just doesn't have that many ads, period. Not even the usual number of cigarette ads, although I don't bother showing you cigarette ads anyway, cause as far as I'm concerned, they're all pretty silly. I mean, come on, it's an advertisement for something that's going to kill you. How can it not be ridiculous?

But here's why I think there aren't that many ads. I think this cigarette ad right here paid for all of them. And when you see the pictures, you'll figure out why:

This, my friends, is a four page pop-up ad. For Salem cigarettes.

I have to say: given that it's a cigarette ad, and given that all cigarette ads are pretty ridiculous, this ad is pretty cool. It's got palm trees, and a little hut, and a hammock with the beach in the background. And it's a pop-up! The kind that little kids get all squeaky-excited about from pop-up books!
I've never seen a pop-up ad before, and certainly never an ad of this intricate design for cigarettes. Who knows how much money they spent to put it in Playboy. Plus, part of the ad is an offer for a free pack of cigarettes. Wonder how much this all cost Salem. It was probably worth it, though...at least to them. They got a whole batch of new smokers to smoke their cigarettes.
Moving on!
The second interesting thing about this issue I found was somewhat hidden in the Mike Tyson interview. Now I know I usually stick with just commenting on the ads in these Playboy posts, but this one really struck me somehow. It's an exchange between Mike Tyson and the Playboy interviewer; the two of them really seemed to hit it off together:
"You know something," he [Mike Tyson] said, "I like to hurt women when I make love to them." He stopped, searching my face for a reaction. "I like to hear them scream with pain, to see them bleed," he said, putting his arm around me. "It gives me pleasure."
"Why?"
Mike shook his head. "Jose, I am that way and I don't know why."
"Well," I said, "did it ever occur to you that men who behave that way probably hate women, that deep-down, they simply don't like them?"
"You may be right. You're the first person to tell me that...You know, you may be fucking right. Holy fucking shit!"

Let's forget for a second this is Mike Tyson, circa 1989. Let's pretend this is two average Joes, talking today. Wouldn't you have rather seen the exchange go something like this?

"You know something...I like to hurt women when I make love to them." He stopped for second. Then he continued, "I like to hear them scream with pain, to see them bleed. It gives me pleasure."

"Why?"

He shook his head. "I am that way and I don't know why."

"Well," I said, "did it ever occur to you that there are other men like you everywhere, all around us, contributing to society, living normal lives, and yet finding women out there who like that kind of roughness? That you're inclinations are not as rare as you think? That there's a whole BDSM community full of men, and women, who like what you like? And other men and women who like to take it just as much as you like to give it?"

I don't know about you, but I would have liked to have seen a response like the second version, the one I presented, not the way the exchange originally happened. Now, one can't discount the fact that the person involved in this little conversation was Mike Tyson, and maybe (probably) that changed how the interviewer formulated his answer. Maybe he would have offered a different answer to someone else. I don't know.

I know Sadists like to hurt women, they like to hear them scream, but they do not, DO NOT, hate women, at least not the ones I know personally. They just get off on a different set of kinks. And what about women who like to be hurt, who like being forced to scream? Do they hate men? I don't think so...I don't see how anyone could say so. 

Is this how vanilla society sees BDSM/kink mentality? As an expression of hatred for the opposite sex?

Do you think the exchange would have been worded the same way today?

I hope not.

This wraps up this week's Playboy post. New one next week!

(Hopefully)