How to Cook Masochist

Things you will need:
Fear
Dread
Anxiety
Alarm
Horror
Unremitting agony
Implements of torture and misery
If necessary, a way to restrain your masochist

Begin the process of cooking your masochist by marinating it in fear and trepidation. You will want to start this step at least a few hours in advance of your scene, preferably an entire day before. The marinade should consist of a steady dose of panic-inducing suggestions, innuendos, predictions. At first, the marinade may seem to simply run off the masochist without affect, but don't worry: it's infusing itself into the bloodstream, creating a whirling, pounding sense of terror. Later, it will add a distinct flavor to the dish!

Right before you are ready to start in on your masochist, stir in some anxiety, doubt, and dread. Do this by reminding it what is about to happen to its body, mind and soul; what you have planned--and what you are still contemplating; and that while its survival is assured, everything else is basically still on the table. Reiterate that the pain they are about to endure might be your fault, but it was their choice, and that choice is about to fucking hurt deep.

Tie up your masochist so it's ready for the procedure ahead. This is not unlike trussing up a chicken, turkey, or pig. You can use rope, leather...hell, you can even use twine. The point is to keep exposed all the body parts you want exposed, and tuck away all the limbs you don't want getting in the way, so that the meat cooks exactly how you want it to. The masochist, feeling trapped at this point, may try to test its bonds by thrashing and flailing. Let it; the faster it realizes it's not going anywhere, the faster it will surrender to the pain ahead.

Now it's time to tenderize the meat! But, like my grandmother used to say, make sure you're using the right tools for the right job. If you want to warm the meat slowly and evenly, you'll want to start out with something smooth and flat. But sometimes the meat is acting tough, and will require a good pounding from the get-go to see any good results. The masochist may begin to tremble and strain, but this is all normal. Its endorphins are starting to bubble to the surface, and the more you let them escape, the better. Its smarting, aching flesh should slowly become a beautiful glowing red. It may also have purple areas, depending on your tenderizing technique; this is also nothing to worry about.


Once the masochist has been reduced to a tormented, runny mess, it is ready to be cooked. What's good about cooking masochist is that there are so many ways to do it. Masochist can be fried up with electricity and fire; it can be beat up with canes and floggers; it can be whipped with, well, whips; it can be baked with paddles and tawses. In its distress, the masochist will probably not remain quiet. It may even shriek, holler, gasp and scream in its throes of agony. Be prepared for this--have a gag ready, if need be. A ball gag works wonders. A small apple may fit in its mouth, too.


As the masochist cooks, all its juices will start flowing to the surface, and it will probably get creamy. Don't waste this soft sweet juice! Baste the meat liberally as the cooking continues. You can even remove the gag once in a while to force its juices back into its  mouth. It may very well be crying at this point, too, and the juices mixed with its tears should make a unique tangy/sweet taste on its tongue. Don't be shy about tasting yourself!

Depending on the masochist, you will know its ready when it's thrashing has simmered down to a low, miserable quiver; when its skin is flushed and throbbing; when the bruises have risen nicely to the surface; and when it can do nothing but stare into dreamy space, utterly removed from its current torment. Do not base your decision on whether the masochist has had enough solely on the appearance of the body. Judge on its state of mind: basically, it should have no mind left. Once your masochist is incapable of putting coherent thoughts together, it is probably done.

At this point, the masochist needs time to cool down. Sit it in a corner, keep it still and quiet if necessary. Treat it like a soufflé: don't let it drop too quickly! This part can be tricky to learn, but with enough practice, I'm sure you'll get it.

By the time the process is over, your masochist should look great, feel great, and taste great. Good job! And remember: don't be afraid to experiment. This is just one recipe; have fun making your own!