Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Why I Not Seeing The Amazing Spider Man Today

Stage One, ages 0-2: Movies? What are movies? I have a baby to take care of, I don't have time to watch a movie in my own house, much less go to a real, honest-to-god theater.

Stage Two, ages 2-4: Yeah, I can get a babysitter once in a while to go see a movie, but the babysitter's so expensive, it's not really worth it.

Stage Three, ages 4-7: I'm stuck going to see all these moralistic rainbow-happy-smiley-rated G movies with my kid. But it's okay, at least I get out of the house, and we can do something together that doesn't involve me telling him to keep his hands to himself and out of his nose. (Nobody will see if he picks his nose in the movie theater, anyway.)

Stage Four, ages 7-10: These Pixar films are pretty cool. And some of these Disney movies actually have a plot. Nice! But I'd still rather be watching Brad Pitt.

Stage Five, ages 10-14: You...you actually want to see this movie? But so do I! Awesome! My kid wants to see the same movies I do! We can do some bonding and shit.

Stage Six, ages 14-16: Ew, you want to see what movie? That's gross. I don't know....What do you mean you didn't want to see it with me anyway! How would I embarrass you in front of your friends? What, you think after that comment, I'm just going to hand you a twenty?...Fine, here.

Stage Seven, ages 16-foreverafter: Please see a movie with me? Please? I'll pay you.

I am currently in stage six with my 14 year old. My twelve year old never liked the same movies I do, and can no longer be bribed with popcorn. I am holding at hope for the 4 year old, but I know my time is running out.

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