So I made up a list of things I hate, and I mean hate, to hear during our "play."
A few things to keep in mind:
1. These are only my pet peeves. I'm not making generalities here. Other women might have no problem with hearing these things. Hell, they might need to hear 'em to have a satisfied ending.
2. When I say "during play," I mean when I'm already cuffed, trusted up or tied down, and Husband is getting biblical on my ass. I'm talking about when we're already deep into it. I'm in total submissive masochist mode, and he's (I hope) letting the full Dom in him take over. I'm not talking about before or after, when we might be just starting play or just ending it, but things feel light, almost jovial, and we're taking it easy.
3. I'm also not talking about when things are said sarcastically, or with a more cynical attitude to get a reaction out of me. Husband does that on an ongoing basis. He loves to get a rise out of me. Then I do something bad, and he gets to punish me all over again.
Without further ado, here is the:
List of Things I Do NOT Want to Hear During Play"Uh-Oh."
This means that something has gone wrong, not-according-to-plan. It means play might have to pause, or worse yet, maybe halted all together. It means that things were probably not well thought out beforehand, at least enough to foresee such a problem arise, and a way to handle it seamlessly. It can mean that control is lost.
As my Dom, I expect you to retain complete control. I don't want to have to worry about it. That's your job.
Alternative: Say nothing. Don't even let on there's a problem if you can get away with it. Fix the issue before there's time to notice something's off. Or act like it's all part of the plan.
For what? Hurting me? Isn't that kind of the point?
Don't do anything during play you're sorry for. And if you do, and can't fight the need to tell me about it, then tell me you're sorry later, after the scene (and the sex) is over. I don't want to be assuaging your guilt right now. What's even more likely is that you have little, if anything, to feel guilty about. Whatever move you made you thought went too far was probably fine with me. It might even have been better than fine: It might have been exactly what I wanted.
Alternative: Use body language to determine my resistance/pain levels, and if you think you went too far, switch gears. If you think that swipe with the cane was harder than you thought it was going to be, give me a massaging rub on the butt for a quick minute before giving me the next. If you bent one of my limbs too far, bring it back and hold it for support until I look more comfortable. Don't apologize for what's already happened. Just keep going.
"Does this feel good?"
This has got to be one of my biggest pet peeves. If I've got clamps on my nipples and my ass has just been flogged and now I've got three fingers stretching my ass, what am I supposed to say, 'yes, I feel great'?
What if I say no? Does that mean the play has to stop? But I don't want it to stop! Yes, it hurts, but it's the kind of hurt I want. Feeling good means different things when you're talking about BDSM. Am I supposed to stop play and go into a long discussions about my feelings?
Alternative: Ask, instead, 'how does this feel?'
That way, I can use words like 'amazing,' 'delicious,' 'stingy,' 'burny,' etc. If the cane is stinging my butt, it hurts, but that doesn't mean I'm not enjoying it. After all, if I didn't like it, I wouldn't want it. You should absolutely know what's going on in my head, how I'm feeling. But it's up to you to decide if that's the reaction you're looking for, or if you have to change things around. Worse comes to worst, we can always rely on a "green, yellow, red" system. And remember: I've always got my safeword if I really want things to stop.
"I don't deserve you/ You're so good to me/ I'm so lucky"
Listen: If you don't think you deserve me, why should I think you deserve me?
Yes, absolutely, I want to hear those things, I love hearing those things, but later, after the play is over. While we're "in scene," I want you to be the Dom, the guy in control, requiring my complete submission. I want you full of self-assurance, pride, and conviction. (Not to be confused with disrespect, arrogance, or presumption. A good Dom will know the difference.)
Alternative: Say things like 'I'm so proud of you' or 'your submission pleases me' or 'you're working really hard, I can tell.' Things that let me know you recognize the effort I'm putting into my actions, and my hard work makes you happy.
Those are the things I can think of right now. I'm interested to know if any other subs out there have their own pet peeves to add!