Ten Things Anal Sluts Think Of While Getting Fucked in the Ass

Inspired by some writings I've recently seen online (sorry, they're on Fetlife so I can't link to them, but believe me, they are good), I decided to write my own:

Ten Things Anal Sluts Think Of While Getting Fucked in the Ass

1. Whoa! That lube is cold. Don't use too little! But don't use too much either! I don't want a mess on the sheets again.

2. How is it you like to do this to me, anyway? I mean, I know it's tight and warm in there, but still...THEY DON'T CALL IT THE POOP CHUTE FOR NOTHING. Doesn't this gross you out? Please don't let this gross you out.

3. Ok, some pressure...I can take it...ow. Ow ow OW. God I forgot again how much this hurts.

4. I can take it...the worst must be over now...OKAY I GUESS NOT OW OW OW.

5. Okay. Okay. Worst is definitely over. He's in. OH WAIT HE HELD BACK OH JESUS.

6. He's sliding now...this isn't so bad...I can handle this.

7. Mmm, those are some very nice colors floating by.

8. Oh God, this is really awesome, I mean this is fucking amazing, holy shit it HURTS but please don't STOP

9. Why can't I ever come this good with plain 'ole vaginal sex?

10. Okay, you can pull out now. Now, really, it's starting to hurt again. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T COME YET

Sweeping It Under the Drama Rug

I feel like I left all of you beautiful readers (all three of you, cough cough) hanging there and I apologize for that. Husband did punish me that night, with a game of How Much Lube Do You REALLY Need For This Here Buttplug, otherwise known as Yow That Fucking Hurts Motherfucker. But the game went slowly, Husband took his time, and in the end (get it? End? I crack myself up) I had a good time, too. Cough cough.

I have been neglecting you as of late because of issues that have been cropping up in my online life, namely on Twitter and Fetlife. Some like to call this kind of thing "Drama."

I get the labeling. I really do. I also kind of fucking hate it.

"Drama" has become a trigger word. Once a situation has been labelled "Drama," it becomes something dirty and repulsive, something contaminated which can then turn around and contaminate you with its vileness. It is something worthy of scorn and contempt.

Sometimes, the label fits. There's a reason why so many of us don't want "Drama" in our lives. She's a nasty, energy-sucking bitch. She can turn you into a person you never would have recognized. She can make you miserable. She can raise your blood pressure. She will laugh doing it.

But not all situations deserve the label "Drama." Some don't deserve it at all. Because you know what happens when someone labels a situation "Drama"? People turn away; they want no part of it.
And sometimes, that makes them ignore legitimate wrongs going on around us. 

Like the people who ignore the screaming coming from the apartment downstairs, but shut their ears, because they've heard it too many times before. Or the people who hear the woman crying out for help down the street, but do nothing, because they assume it's a joke or (worse) a drug addict. Or the people who see the crying child in the store, looking for his mommy, but assume she's around somewhere, and will find her kid eventually.

People get wrapped up in their own lives. They don't want to make a stand unless they know it's worth the effort, and often, that involves sifting through too many facts and sides. They don't want to be accused later of doing the wrong thing.

But you know what ends up happening? We have people all over Twitter and Fetlife and the blogosphere who use the word "Drama" to absolve themselves of any responsibility to get involved and find out what is really going on. That doesn't make them enlightened or superior, because they want to stay away from the "Drama." That makes them part of the silent majority who see a crime being committed, something immoral or unethical, sometimes both, and do nothing. But they think it's okay that they're not speaking up against the wrong going on, because they are not ignoring it, they are not those people who allow an injustice to continue, no, they are just staying away from the "Drama."

In other words, they are acting like enabling assholes, and cloaking their apathy with egoism.

Now I'm ranting.
Look, I get it: we have to pick our battles. We can't jump into the fray every time we see something going on, even if we know we don't agree with it, because it's true, we have lives to lead and mental well-being to maintain.
I've been guilty of this too, and I'm sure I will be again.
There's a LOT that's fucked up in the world. We can't try to fix it all.

But we shouldn't pretend it's not there, either.

Background Noise

When dealing with the kink community, one important thing (among oh so many) to keep in mind is this: rules of etiquette here are somewhat different than those in the vanilla world. I will not say the rules are changed completely, because it's not like you've entered Bizarro World (although sometimes it can feel that way); but the rules have definitely altered.
Things that were okay before, perhaps even expected before—a hug hello, a kiss on the cheek, even something as minor as a handshake—can no longer be taken for granted. On the other hand, big no-nos in the vanilla world—complimenting a woman on her sultry look, sending out an invitation to negotiate a little play later—are fine in Kink Land.
Things can get confusing.
It's easy to make mistakes.
And we all make mistakes. We're human, we're not perfect, right?

Some imagine people's mistakes as a secret bucket they're keeping, often hidden behind their backs. As long as their bucket doesn't get full, they're okay. But once the bucket reaches critical mass, and begins to overflow, the person now has too many mistakes in their bucket—and they are no longer worthy of your friendship.

I don't think of it like that. I think the mistakes people make—and remember, we all make them—becomes something like background noise. We all carry around our background noise with us wherever we go.
Some people's background noise is very faint, and barely noticeable. Some people's is louder, but it is not so unpleasant to take; you can still have a nice conversation over it.
And some people's background noise is so annoying, so ear-pounding, you just have to walk away.

The thing about background noise is, we all have different levels we can take, and different kinds of noises we find disturbing. What you find too troublesome to accept, completely intolerable to your own ears, your friend might not find so bad. And what they recoil away from, you may decide is not bothersome to you at all.
Keep in mind, it is the same exact noise.
The difference lies in the people hearing it.

Now, obviously there are some noises that no one can take. The human eardrum can only handle so much pressure before it pops. People who have allowed their background noise to rise to that level...I'm sorry, but you're in trouble. You're going to have to tone it down.

But I think 98% of the people in our community are not like that. Yes, we have predators, rapists, people whom we cannot and should not tolerate in our community, whose background noise is simply too dangerous to the rest of us...but most of us are not like that, at all. We are just people, making mistakes, creating our own background noise.
I guess, my point is, the issue is not so black and white.

So before you go judging how much background noise your friends can take, consider this: how much background noise are you making? And how grateful are you that your friends are willing to accept it?

Your Turn to Teach Me Something

This is not a statement, and this is not a rant. This is an honest-to-God question. I'm hoping to start some discussion here, or at least, having some people enlighten me. Really, I'm trying to understand.

Some backdrop: I was having a discussion with some local veteran community members the other day. One of them, a Dom and Sadist, happened to make a comment about the "kinds" of subs he likes to Top. I'm paraphrasing here, but basically the conversation went something like this:
Him: I would never play with a sub who tells me she has no limits.
Me: Why not?
Him: Because every sub has limits. If she doesn't know what hers are yet, that's fine, but I don't want to find out the hard way. If she's so new she can't even give me one limit, then I step back and say 'sweetie, come back to me when you discover a limit or two, and then we'll play.'
Me: But what if she really has no limit? What if she'd let you do anything you want?
Him: Then she's mentally unstable, and I don't want to play with her anyway. I don't play with crazy.

At this point, a lot (I won't say everyone, but a lot) of the people in the room started nodding their heads, like, yes, he's right, a sub with no limits is crazy.

So there seems to be this prevalent notion that subs, if they have any self-respect at all, if they're mentally sane, have to have some limits. Because not everything should go; a Top should not be allowed to do whatever he wants. That's foolish and dangerous. That could lead to disaster.

So here's my question: How come this rule doesn't apply to the kink community as a whole?

We're fed this belief that in our community of Sadists and masochists, debauchers and hedonists, everything goes. We repeat the mantra 'your kink is not my kink, and that is okay.' We're expected to erase judgement from our minds, treat it like a dirty little crime, never talk about it except with an air of disgust, a tone of contempt.
(As if we all could erase it from our minds. People judge other people. That's what we do. We can try to curb it, keep it down to a minimum, but we can never "evolve" ourselves past it.)
But if we have a community that accepts everything, and deplores nothing, refuses to entertain the idea that some things should just not be abided...
Don't we end up with a community full of crazies?

I really want to know why people seem to have this belief "a community without limits is a good kinky community." How is it good? How does it help the strength and growth of the community? I understand you want to protect it from the kind of discrimination and prejudice you find in the vanilla world. But surely, going to the opposite extreme of Anything Goes can't be healthy, either.
Can it?

Mosers in the Kink Community

This post is pure philosophical thinking (mental vomiting, really) on my part. WELCOME TO MY BRAIN. Don't forget your 3D glasses; you'll need them.

In the Jewish world, we have our set of set of words and vocabulary to delineate things that sometimes have no concept in the secular world. One of those words we have is moser. 
A moser is a Jewish person who, to put it simply, snitches on another Jew to secular authorities. It stems  from Talmudic times, back when Jews were living under Roman law, and were being killed for behaving Jewishly in any way. Any Jew with a gripe could report his/her fellow Jew, and watch the Romans solve the "problem" for them.
According to the Talmud, a moser is considered someone evil and wicked. Sometimes, being a moser is punishable by death.

The problem is, today, at least in Western society, Jews are not being rounded up and killed for being Jewish. Yes, we do face antisemitism, but we face it by those breaking the law, not by those defending it. Yet the concept of moser has undergone a strange, and in my opinion, horrifying blossoming.

Today, the word moser if often used to describe someone who has reported molesters and abusers to the authorities. It has become an epithet to silence and ostracize those who try to publicize horrible wrongs going on within a Jewish community.

Those who have come forward as victims of child molestation are being called mosers. Those who are revealing wide-spread fraud and money laundering by prominent Rabbis are being called mosers. Those who are working with secular authorities to stop rampant child abuse are being called mosers.

I am probably being a moser right now, by bringing this up.

The reason why I'm bringing this up now is because recently, on FL, another woman has come forward to publicize her assault. Her consent was violated in a dangerous, and what could have been lethal, way.
What was more, the guy who did this to her has admitted it.

Yet what am I seeing?
People telling her it was her own fault this happened, because she had given him consent prior, so she was asking for it. That this was all a "misunderstanding." That she should accept his apology and move on. That by publicizing what happened to her, she's creating "drama."
That, basically, she should shut the fuck up.

I get it that the kink community faces a lot of discrimination and condemnation from the vanilla world. I get it that we sometimes have to work twice as hard to earn an ounce of respect, to show people that what we do is not abuse, and should not land us in jail.
But does this mean we need to silence those in the community who have been violated, assaulted, abused, even raped? In our quest to seem so communal and benign to the vanilla world, must we quiet the voices who have every right to speak up, who only wish to rid us of the very kind of predatory behavior vanilla society reprehends? Shouldn't we repudiate it just as much, if not more?

Is "drama" the new kinky slang word for "moser"?

I am scared by what I'm seeing. I don't want my kink community to turn into a group of people afraid to speak out when a problem arises that can be fixed, should be fixed, because they are afraid of being labeled and ostracized; where people think the best way to handle a serious problem is to silence those who would speak of it.
I don't want to be part of a community where consent violators run free, while the people who are shunned are the "mosers."

I don't know the solution to this. It's an ongoing problem. But it's terrible to see.

What I want YOU to want.

There are men out there who want me for my cunt,
Who want me for my breasts,
Who want me for my lips and tongue and mouth.
There are men out there who call themselves Tops, and they are: they want to look down upon me as I go down on them. And if that would be all that happens between us, they would be satisfied.
There are men out there who call themselves Sadists, and in a way, they are: they would be happy to make me hurt, if they knew by doing so, I would be open and agreeable to servicing their cock. If the pain is my foreplay, then they are all for it--
because the foreplay leads to fucking.
There are men out there who are open to all sorts of kinky persuasion, if my holes are open to their dicks. They want the lewdness, the depravity, the debauchery, the happy ending.
The glory they see in me is my glory hole.

That is not what I want them to want.

I want a man who wants me for my screams, for my tears, for my cries of fear and shame and agony.
I want a man who wants me for my head, my mind, so he can learn how to play the best mindfuck possible on me, and never let me see it coming.
I want a man who can make me shiver and sweat in panic.
I want a man who can keep me in a constant, simmering state of confusion and alarm.
I want a man who will come after me at just the right time, with clarity of purpose, to make me whimper and beg and plead for release, and smile wickedly as I do.
I want a man who will make me struggle, and laugh in the face of it.
I want a man who will scheme and plan to lure me into his trap, and cackle at my feeble attempts to free myself once caged.
I want a man who think beauty means running mascara and flushed cheeks.
I want a man who wants to find out for himself how hoarse my voice can sound after I've been screaming for so long. I want a man who is curious how high pitched my screams can go.
I want a man who thinks I'm hottest when all reason and sanity have left me, washed away by the onrush of adrenaline, brought on by terror.
I want a man who wants to hear that distinctive battle cry ripped out of my chest...and know my cry is pointless, that the battle is already won.
I want a man who relishes my wracked sobs.
I want a man who will push me to the breaking point.
I want a man who thinks I'm cute when I'm desperate.
I want a man who will growl with contentment as I writhe and wince inside my restraints, testing the physical and mental boundaries he's set upon me.
I want a man who will chuckle with mirth as he sees the horrified look of realization appear upon my face.
I want a man who wants my humiliation, my contempt, my sheer rage.
I want a man who cannot feel pleasure until I am in pain.
I want a man who will make me bleed out my need.
I want a man who sees the glory deep down inside me, but understands that it can only be revealed through my complete defeat. That my defeat is part of the glory that is me.
I want a man whose peak of triumph comes at my moment of surrender.
I want a man who will stop at nothing to attain it.

So you see, it's not all about what I want; it's also about what I want you to want. And I want you to know what you want, and be clear about it.
Because what you want should not be all about what you think I want to hear to get me to fuck you.
(Dude, it's never going to happen anyway.)

Accepting You are Good

I'm going to tell you a little secret that you'll probably think is ridiculously simplistic and obvious when you read it, except for the fact that it's not:

People want to feel good about themselves.

The people in the advertising industry know this. That's why they are constantly trying to convince us their products will make us happy, will give us what we want--because that is one way we can feel good about ourselves.
People in the entertainment industry know this. That's why they're constantly showing us things that make us feel smarter, richer, luckier, better than the next person--because being better off than someone else makes us feel good about ourselves.
We all want to be happy, and being happy means being content with who we are.

People who are content with who they are don't care so much about what other people are saying about them, because it doesn't matter. This doesn't mean they don't listen when someone tells them they've done something wrong; the exact opposite. They listen intently, and don't react defensively, because they can admit to themselves it's possible they fucked up. They are okay with this possibility because, deep down, they know the difference between doing something wrong and being something wrong.

Doing something wrong, making mistakes, is part of life. You can learn and grow from your mistakes. You can move on from your mistakes.
Being something wrong is a whole other bowl of fruit. It is hard, if not impossible, to change who you are. If you're an inherently selfish person, a greedy person, a manipulative person--if you've got some kind of negative trait that really needs to be dealt with--then you've got some hard questions to ask yourself.

But I don't think the vast majority of us are bad people. I think most of us, kinky and vanilla, are basically good folk. We just want to be secure in that knowledge.

That's one reason why people tend to look for others who share in their philosophies and core beliefs: because if so many others think like you do, how can what you think be wrong?

This kind of mentality is even more affirmed in the kinky world. If you go on Fetlife, you'll find people looking for something, or more often than not, someone: a person who shares their fetish; a person who complements their desires; a mentor, a lover, a play partner. A friend.
But underneath it all, people join the kink community to find others like them, because in their world, who they are is not okay, and that knowledge fucking hurts.

People who've been in the scene for a while know what I'm saying is true, even if they don't break it down in such simplistic terms. But they'll agree I'm right, and I'll tell you something else, dear readers: it's easy to recognize people who've been in the scene for a long time, even in a crowd. Not because they know so many people, and not because they're wearing the right clothes.
Because of the wealth of confidence in their eyes.
They know who they are, and they know the person they are is okay. Maybe not perfect, no, but  fundamentally good. Not evil, and not crazy. Different, oh holy shit, yes--but different can be good, too.

I'm not saying there aren't evil people in the scene. I'm sorry to say there are. What's worse is that these evil predators use this knowledge to manipulate others. A predator's biggest piece of arsenal is his (or her's) ability to convince others that in order to be okay with who they are, they need to be willing to do x, y, and z for him. He can convince them they are good, there is nothing wrong with them--as long as they listen to him and give him what he wants. If they are susceptible, they will go along with this. If they are not, he will find someone else who is.
(I take it back. Maybe the biggest piece of a predator's arsenal is his ability to smell susceptibility. But that is a subject for another post.)

But real predators are rare. Like I said, most people just want to meet others who share in their kinks, their little idiosyncrasies--or at least forgive them, so they can feel good about themselves.

At the end of the day, all of us, no matter what the age, gender, what have you--all of us just want to be accepted for who we are.
The second step is accepting others who are different from us, but the first step is accepting yourself.

We are kinky.
And that is okay.

A PSA of Sorts

I am a very nice person. I am kind, welcoming, sympathetic, and a good listener. I am a giver. I contribute as much as I can to charity. I only talk about what I know. I never act talk like an expert about things I know nothing about. I never make assumptions. I don't spread drama. I never lie, or cheat, or act the hypocrite. And when I mess up, I always admit it, and apologize.

And if you accepted any of what I just told you simply because I stated it as fact, you're an idiot.

I'm sorry, but that's the truth. There are some really creepy, disgusting, sociopathic sons of bitches in the world. And yeah, some of them do come right out and tell you exactly what they are, and when they do, you should believe them.

But not all of them do. Some of them are good at hiding it very, very well. Some of them will have multiple accounts, just to stalk you. Some of them are tech geeks, and know how to rummage around your personal information while trying to cover their tracks. Some of them might act like pillars of society until their dark machinations come to light...which, unfortunately, doesn't always happen.

Even when enough people see them for the sad little vermin they are, they will continue to claim their innocence, and act the victim--while still harassing and stalking those that reveal them.

So don't believe everything you read, and everything you hear. Don't let yourself get sucked into the bright lights of a shining pillar. You'll wake up with a headache, wondering what the hell you just walked into, and how you could've missed it in the first place.

Matched Chemistry Vs Time In the Scene

Rule number, what, three? Of attending a munch or kinky event:

When you see casual play going on between people, especially when it's a group of people, do not assume you can automatically participate. Everything you see—every touch, every grab, every mindfuck, every mode of play—is done by mutual consent. You, the newbie, do not get to assume it's a "free for all" that you can just join in. In fact, you should work under the assumption It Is Not Okay; not until you have permission. 

The reason given for this rule is typically along the lines of:

Those people have known each other long enough, have been friends long enough, to play like that. They are well-acquainted, therefore it's okay.

Here's the caveat to that rule: Sometimes you'll know somebody for long enough, and be friends long enough...and it will still be Not Okay.
Not even if that kind of play is obviously okay with them when they're in different company.
Not even if they obviously like playing like that with others.
Not even if you really, really want that kind of play from them.
Being friends, knowing for certain they like to play like that, watching them play like that with other people, even people they don't know as well as you? That does not automatically mean they now have to play like that with you.

Some people think there's this magic clock ticking down somewhere, and once it hits zero, that means they've known someone long enough that they have to agree, or at least submit, to play.
It doesn't work like that.
The interactions, the type and level of play you have with people in the scene, do not depend solely on how long and how well you've known them.
It depends on other things, too.
Personally, I think the biggest factor is chemistry.

There are some people I like to play hard with, because that's the kind of chemistry we have; they make the beast of prey within me rise up to challenge them. There are people I like to play fast and loose with, because they're fun, and they know how to make me feel all soft and yummy inside. And then there are others who I enjoy teasing, because they enjoy the tease, and it becomes a game between us.
And then there are the others I will likely never play with at all, because we just don't have that kind of chemistry.
I still consider them friends. I still share chemistry with them; but it is of a different kind. And the truth is, I shouldn't have to owe them an explanation why I won't play with them.
No means no.

But it's hard to disappoint your friends. They want to play with you, and they don't understand why you're asking someone else to play, and not them; or they're wondering why you respond a certain way to someone else, and not the same way with them. The hard fact is, there may not be a cohesive, articulate reason to give them.
Except, maybe: the chemistry is just not there.

So if you're a newbie standing off to the sidelines, being told "don't assume you can do that too, you haven't known those people long enough," DO NOT take that to mean once a certain measure of time goes by, you'll get permission to go ahead and join in.
In fact, it's a bad idea to make any assumptions at all. Ever.
When in doubt, ask.
And until a safeword has been negotiated, no means no.

Guest Post from...Myself

So of all the people in the world, guess which one of my blog readers was the one who got me to come out of hiding and write again?
My sister.
Yes, my sister reads my blog, apparently religiously, and has been waiting for a new post.

So here is what happened:
I wrote a post entry for Fetlife, put it up on Fetlife, and put it up on my tumblr account, as well. On tumblr, it only got, like, five notes. But on Fetlife, it took off, garnering over 2,000 likes, over 500 comments, and ending on Kinky&Popular.

I'm still trying to understand how different medias get different attention. If I had never posted that entry on Fetlife, but added it to my tumblr account only, I probably would have thought it's a dud. But it became the focus of a rather heated discussion on Fetlife. Likewise, sometimes I post stuff on Fetlife, and it gets practically zero attention, while I post it here and get amazing comments from people here, and on twitter.
I don't understand how different things appeal to different people on different sites. One thing I do know: this is why they tell people to be as "out there" as possible. Because you never know from where people are going to find you.
This is assuming, of course, you want to be found.

Anyway... after the post became so popular on Fetlife, I forgot about putting the post on here on my blog, and focused on responding to the comments there. But things have calmed down now, and as my sister reminded me, it's been a while since I posted here, so...here's the entry that caused such a stir:

The Notion of Polyamory from Someone Monogamous

You know what? I am so sick of these wackadoodle “polyamory” people telling me how oppressed they are because they are polyamorous, how monogamy is nothing but a religiously imposed construct, a yoke of society, a shackle of misogyny, an imaginative institution of hierarchy, a fabrication of the perfect lifestyle; that only they can see it for what it really is, but we should all aspire to see the ruse of it so we can throw it off like a moth-eaten coat; that a person like me can’t really understand polyamory, because I am not polyamorous myself.

Sorry, muchacho, but polyamory is not that hard to understand. It is hard to engage in, hard to live by, hard to get right, but it is not that hard to understand.
And for a lot of these fucksters, I get the feeling I, the monogamous one, understand it a lot better than they do.

Polyamory means having a loving relationship with more than one person. It means being romantic with more than one person. To go back to the word itself, it means investing amorous emotions in more than one person.

You know what it doesn’t mean? Fucking everything on two feet—or at least, anyone on two feet who turns you on.

Here’s what I see all the time: people—a vast, VAST majority of whom are men—trying to get into the mouth and cunt of every woman who strikes their fancy. They do not want a relationship with these women. They might never want to see them again after the first date. But they want to fuck.
This is not polyamory. This is NSA (no strings attached) sex.

Here’s another thing I see: couples trying to find other couples to “switch.” They will want to talk to the other couple a bit, to keep things friendly, and to make sure they’re not engaging with someone who’s violent or insane. But they’re not looking for a long-term friendship beyond the fucking aspect. They don’t want to go to the movies together. All they want is to make sure it’s safe and civil to fuck.
This is not polyamory. This is swinging.

Here’s another thing I see: men looking for a woman to fuck on the side, without their wife’s/significant other’s approval or knowledge. “I’m polyamorous, she’s not,” he’ll say. “It’s kinder I don’t tell her about my sexual exploits.”
This is not polyamory. This is cheating.

I have also seen polyamory work. In fact, I am often jealous of the polyamory relationships I see when it is done right.
That means everyone knows what the other people are doing, who they are seeing, who they are sleeping with, and who they are hoping to sleep with sometime down the road; nobody is engaging in NSA sex, everyone knows their sexual partners well enough to hope their particular relationship will continue at least for a while, and will be based on more than just casual sex; everyone respects what the other is doing, and there is mutual sensitivity towards everyone’s feelings.

In other words, it is not about just sex.
It is about love.

So when I hear someone say they would jump at the chance to fuck a woman whose name they don’t even know, who then turns around and tells me I’m somehow not “as kinky as them” because I’m monogamous and therefore I just don’t get it—
Dude, I get it. You’re a horny fucker, and you’re hung like a mule.
But no amount of sweet-smelling mints in your mouth will stop you from sounding like an ass.

No Means No For Subs, Too

I was warned, when I started coming out in The Community, that as a submissive female, I would have no lack of "dance partners." It was explained to me that despite what I may have thought, there was no shortage of Doms, Sadists, and Tops who would be willing to work
(play)
with me inside my own limits and confines, to share in some fun and fantastic scenes.

I have now been in The Scene long enough to know this is absolutely true. When I go to a party or event where play is an option, more often than not, my dance card is filled before I even get there. I have to consciously leave some time available for impromptu play, otherwise I over-schedule myself. Sometimes the Tops approach me about play; sometimes I approach them.

When I'm the one approaching them, I usually get a pretty standard reaction. First, they give me a look of surprise; then, their eyes widen in delight; then, their mouths spread in an evil, sadistic smile; and then comes the typical response: "What kind of play did you have in mind?"

This is not to say I am never turned down. In fact, I have been turned down for play many times. But here's the thing: I never get upset about it.

There is absolutely zero point to getting upset when a person rejects your request to play. At best, you look like an insecure, childish neophyte who can't deal with rejection. At worst, you look like a whiny, petulant brat. Because here's the other thing: They owe you no explanation.

Let me say that again: THEY OWE YOU NO EXPLANATION.

No means no. If they don't want to play with you, they don't need to tell you why. It's your responsibility to accept their answer gracefully and move on.
Trying to get negotiations going with questions like "why don't you want to play with me?" or "what can I do to change your mind?" come across as obnoxiously pushy. Making statements like "but I was really looking forward to playing with you" or "but I think you and I could get along so well together" make you look like a smug asshole.
The only correct response to a 'no' reply is "okay." You might be able to get in a 'let's still be friends, then' or a 'sorry to hear that, but I understand.'... but even that last statement is pushing it a little bit, because you're still implying they owe you some kind of apology and explanation for your hurt feelings.
THEY DON'T.

Sometimes I get a reason for why the person doesn't want to play with me. These reasons have included:
• The person wants to talk my Dom (Husband) about it first.
• The person doesn't know me well enough yet, and doesn't play with people s/he doesn't know.
• The person has not introduced me to their Dom/me yet, and does not have permission to play with anyone before getting the ok from their Dom first.
•The person is simply not taking on anymore play partners at this time.

Some reasons I was not explicitly given, but inferred, included:
•The person is only willing to play with people s/he can also have sex with. (Husband and I are sexually monogamous.)
•The person finds me too old/out of shape/unattractive.
•The person is not willing to work inside my stated boundaries, recognizes that, and so refuses play.

Any and all of these reasons are legitimate reasons not to play with me.
Does that mean I like all of them? Hell no. Who likes feeling as if someone doesn't want to play with you because you're too fat, or too old, or too ugly? And as for talking to my Dom first: Husband has allowed me to negotiate my own play. I understand why others may not trust that--there are plenty of women out there who claim to have their Husband's (or SO's) permission when they don't--but I'm not going to make your insecurities my problem. Like I said, if you don't want to play with me, for whatever reason, that is fine. I have other options, and other play partners available. You need to do what you think is right for you; if rejecting my offer to play is what you need to do, then do it.
Don't feel bad.
Don't worry about my feelings.
I'm not going to start whining, crying, or blubbering like a baby.

But please, don't expect me to beg, either.
No means no. Once I hear a no, I back off and walk away.
 So if you said no just to get me to start begging? You fucked up big time.

The Real Power of Fetlife

Today, I learned of another death in our local Bay Area community. Iain of Edukink has passed away, and while no death can be truly prepared for, this one came at as a complete shock to the entire community.
I learned of his passing through Fetlife.
It was not the first time I'd been notified of a death in our community through Fetlife; it was not the first time I'd learned a major, life-changing event. I've learned of births on Fetlife; people expanding their families in other, blessed ways on Fetlife; people's geographical moves; new careers; new Significant Others; marriages; divorces; and so on. Sometimes, I've read about simple epiphanies my friends have had that have been so shattering, so cataclysmic to their old way of thinking, that they had to share it--and we were there to read, listen, and applaud them for making such an important leap on their journey.

Fetlife can sometimes be an awful beast. There are trolls here, stalkers, predators, lurkers and thieves and mischief-makers. There are those whose interest in the kink community never goes beyond a certain gruesome fascination, and Fetlife is their peephole into our seductively riveting world. Yet they hold their fascination with haughty contempt: we are the freaks; they are merely the audience, watching the spellbinding show. They get to watch from the safety of their own darkened rooms, where their high-definition screens light up every nipple and ripple of skin, and feel contemptuously secure in their own anonymity.

But for many of us (and, I'd like to think, a vast majority of us), Fetlife is different. It is a gateway into a whole other world, full of great friends, great fun, incredible community, and a whole new definition of family. It is like a wardrobe that leads to Narnia...
But the door doesn't swing. It slides.
What comes through the gateway to the vanilla world, your vanilla world, is completely up to you.

Fetlife should not replace community. It should augment it. It should be a place of support, knowledge, understanding, and laughter. It should be where friends can come and gather to encourage one another, learn new things, keep abreast of each other's lives...and when necessary, unite as one to help our brethren in need.

Look, I know Fetlife has its problems. It's been tainted by those who would corrupt it, abuse it for their own power. Hell, even Fetlife's own creator is guilty of this.
But Fetlife is not any one person. It is not even many people. It is a beginning, a door to something better, and you don't even have to take a step back to open it; all you have to do is move a bit forward.

The world behind it is right there in front of you. And while we're not exactly waiting around for you to show up...we'd be sure glad if you did.

"By Force" In Quotes

I have a bit of a confession to make:

Husband has never really forced me to have sex with him when I'm not willing.

For a lot of D/s couples out there, this might seem strange, maybe even downright wrong. But the truth is, I cannot imagine my Husband forcing me to have sex with him when I actively didn't want to.

Yes, he often "calls me upstairs" when he's in the mood and I don't particularly care one way or the other. In those instances, it's irrelevant whether I come or not, whether I enjoy it or not at all. I mean, it's not like he doesn't want me to come,  but I'm not going to hold him back. He gets his pleasure; that's what's important. 

Sometimes if I'm not "in the mood," he will decide whether it's worth his time and effort to get me aroused. He enjoys making me come, immensely. He likes making me go from zero to eighty, begging  for his permission to come after all my insistence that getting an orgasm out of me is That Which Will Not Happen. 

But again, it is up to his discretion; his decision. If he doesn't want to bother putting in the effort, he won't, and that's fine. He has all the rights.

What he has never done is forced me to lay there and submit when I seriously, decisively rebuffed him. In those rare instances when I had a strong preference, and my preference was not to have sex, he respected my feelings. 

Again, the word "force" becomes dubious at best in these situations. When you're talking about a D/s dynamic, lines are blurred, "NO" does not mean no, and boundaries drawn in mud often become obscure. 

Husband has the right to use me as he wants. That is his choice. Call it "consensual non-consent," call it "the ultimate rape fantasy," call it "Owner/property guidelines," whatever you want to call it…that's what we have. That's what he has from me. 

But I cannot image being with a man who would take me by force knowing I unequivocally did not want him to. I see that on Fetlife from other women, and lately, I've been seeing it a lot more…and I'm realizing, that is SO Not My Kink. 

Which is not to say I think those couples are doing anything wrong; whatever they're doing is obviously making them happy. 

It's just another reminder how we (people who identify as subs and slaves) each have to be so careful to whom we give control over us. Because often, what becomes the most important thing is handing control over to the one who will wield it the way the sub wants him (or her) to. 

This is not "Topping from the bottom," or being a smart-assed bratty sub. This is being a thinking, deliberating, cognizant adult who understands not every Dom can—or should—be your Dom.

Subs have a choice: to give up control, or not. What the other person will do once he has that control is never a question to be taken lightly. 

New Year, New Post, Same Old Rambling

So. Happy New Year.

Are we all sober now?

Truthfully, I don't see January 1st as anything other than an excuse to party. Nobody really believes in this whole "flip the calendar and start a brand new life" hullabaloo. You've still got weeks left of winter to look forward to, no more holidays, and let's face it, you're still the same you, only tired and dazed from all the holiday craze (and also possibly a few pounds heavier, only adding to your "resolutions" conundrum). January 1st has got to be the biggest buzzkill of the year. You wake up, and you realize--
nothing has fucking changed.

So maybe that's not exactly true around these parts. Husband is starting a new job. I'm starting work on a new book. I'm also dipping more into Facebook
(if you want to friend me there, be my guest, I'm turning away no one)
and looking into taking control over my blog content.
I'm enjoying my kids over the vacation, and attending munches I don't normally get a chance to go to. It's nice.

Speaking of...
I went to a munch last night which was quite different from any munch or event I've heretofore been to: there was a huge number of younger people. By "younger," I mean people in their young twenties, mid-twenties tops; what those in the scene call TNG.
They were a nice crowd; polite, welcoming, forthcoming. It wasn't so much that they were cliquish, as that they knew they had more in common with each other than with us, the older ones. They had all the attraction and strength of youth, and years of possibilities ahead of them, unencumbered by the baggage of time.

In many ways, I envied them. Not so much their youth, although that was part of it. I envied them because they had a community to join, a network of people willing to welcome them with open arms, and methods to tap into knowledge so secretive and clandestine before.
They will never know what it was like before the internet, when information was shared in person, face to face, in dark corners and in hushed tones. They will never know what it's like to be afraid of kink, to feel isolated and alone for liking what you like and being who you are. They are entering a world where this space for them had already been established: buttressed, illuminated, and adorned with welcome signs. They make themselves at home in a small corner of The Scene world, and claim it as their own, but they will never know what it was like for those first pioneers, who faced cultural backlash and ostracism (and many times worse) to pave the way.
I envy them because they do not have to be afraid to admit who and what they are. They are free to label themselves, without judgement or slight. They are confident in their wants, needs, and ideals. Their kink does not empower them, but their knowledge does; knowledge they can ingrain by learning from our mistakes.

Of course, in the end, it will be the mistakes they make themselves which will teach them the most, and have the largest impact on their future decisions. But their potential shines bright, and in my opinion, uplifts us all.

Well this post turned preachy. I didn't mean it to. Next post will be something funnier, I promise.

Sexual Assault, Things We Do, and Who We Are — A Guest Post

This is not an article written by me. This article was written by Cos, on his live journal account. However, I think it is so well written, and says what I want to say so articulately, I thought I'd share the original post here. Cos wants people to share it. That being said, if you have any comments on it, please do share them with him, as this is his article. 

*****

I considered locking this to friends-only, but I think it's important and I want people to link to it and re-share it and that's not going to happen unless it's public. Please read it, and share it?

I'll start with a story, something that really happened though I changed the names and some details for anonymity. Ella was good friends with a couple, Bob and Cate, and they flirted and kissed. Sometimes they attended the same sex and BDSM parties and scened with each other. One time, years ago, at such a party, Ella was having sex with someone and Bob came over. While she was giving the other guy head, Bob went down on her after what he thought was a nonverbal okay from her to join in. Ella actually would've rather he didn't, but she didn't think she minded much and she was having too much fun to interrupt what she was doing and tell him to stop, so she just enjoyed herself and let it go. Later, however, she realized that it was more of a problem for her than she knew at the time, and it made her feel icky and a little bit violated. Wanting to keep her friendship with Bob healthy, she told him about it. Not only did Bob get defensive, but Cate really freaked out. She seemed to interpret this as an attack, an accusation that Bob was a bad person, and she knew he wasn't! They weren't able to reconcile this and the friendship fizzled.

It's been on my mind lately, partly due to attending the "Addressing Sexual Harassment in Our Communities" panel at Arisia and the hours of fascinating post-panel conversation with a few people. Not long after Arisia, a friend told me about finding out from someone close to her that, a long time ago, she'd had sex with the person thinking it was consensual when actually this person did not want to and wasn't able to tell her so and just went along with it. I've long known that it's possible that I've done something like that sometime in my past, despite trying to be very careful never to do so, and I might've really hurt someone, and if it has happened, I may never know. In fact, after that post-panel discussion, I told one of the people I'd been talking about one instance where I worried, after the fact, that I might've made a mistake and crossed someone's boundaries even though the interaction seemed good while it was happening. It's on my mind because I know that any of us - including most of you who read this - may possibly have done this to someone, and may never know for sure.

My reason for writing this post is my belief that our very efforts to combat harassment and assault and rape are exacerbating this aspect of the problem, and I want to explain why, and what we can change to stop doing this. Here's another anecdote to help me illustrate what I'm about to say...

A guy I know, Ian (again a pseudonym), is thoughtful and gregarious and well liked in his group of friends. Once, someone new in that social circle told someone else in that social circle about getting into a conversation with Ian at a party, where due to his body language and mannerisms, he effectively backed her into a corner where she felt she could not easily get away, and it made her feel uncomfortable and a bit scared. Although he responded well upon finding out, and apologized, and said he didn't intend that and would pay more attention in the future to try to avoid making someone feel trapped at a party like that, getting the message from her to him was challenging. In the ensuing discussion, I noticed and pointed out an element that I thought was problematic: the use of the term predator, and the idea of identifying someone who did something bad as "someone who does bad things". I made the analogy to the way conservatives like to label "someone who crossed a border without authorization or who overstayed their visa" with "an illegal" - it's not about a thing they did, it's about who they are.

Now I want to be clear: there are sexual predators. They exist, and talking about them is important. We have studies and surveys that begin to help us understand some things about them, and one piece of the emerging picture is that while predators are a relatively small subset of the population, they repeat what they do so often, and are able to get away with it so easily, that they account for a very large proportion of assaults and rapes. So we do need to pay attention to them and figure out ways to disarm them.

However, another piece of the emerging picture is that the large majority of people who assault - not necessarily the majority of incidents, but the majority of people who do it - are not repeat predators. Many of them, and possibly even most, are clueless, or naive, or even good thoughtful people who made a mistake that one time. It's them who I'm writing this post about. By which I mean, it's us who I'm writing this post about.

While some people avoid the issue or don't think about it much, some of us want to make an active effort to prevent this from happening - and we can. We can learn, and pay attention, and adjust how we act, and greatly reduce the probability of hurting someone in this way in a sexual or intimate interaction, or violating their boundaries. We can't reduce it all the way to 0, though. And worse: there's an obstacle that many of us put in our own path towards preventing: Our dichotomy of predators vs. good people.

In this dichotomy, those who rape or assault or harass are the bad ones, the predators, the creeps; those who are good, who are working to prevent rape and assault and harassment, they don't do it. Ergo, if someone does it, they're in that first set - it's not something they did, it's how we identify them. chaiya rather powerfully presented at the Arisia panel the dissonance and conflict caused when one of our friends is revealed to have done something like that, and we feel like we have to mentally reclassify them into the bad set in order to deal with it. That is why it was so hard to tell Ian about the relatively minor mistake he made at that party, and why the discussion around it was so fraught.

Bob and Cate got caught in this trap. They didn't hear Ella telling them about a mistake Bob made, so that he'd know and correct for it; they heard Ella accusing Bob of being a creep and a rapist, and they recoiled. They strove to redefine what happened rather than redefine Bob. Since Bob and Ella had a pattern of sexy play together, and she seemed inviting at the time, and she could easily have objected and he certainly would've heeded her objection, it couldn't have been a serious transgression, right? Lost on them was the fact that Ella actually wasn'tclaiming it was a serious transgression; she accepted it as an honest mistake by a well meaning person who she wanted to remain friends with, but they didn't seem able to see that. Our dichotomy of goodguys and predators doesn't leave any room for something being both "unwanted sexual contact" and "honest mistake by well meaning person". Since those two things cannot overlap, Ella's insistence that this was in fact unwanted sexual contact was a horrifying accusation they rejected wholly.

Which is a common and understandable reaction, and possibly the biggest reason why Ella was the exception; most people in her situation don't tell. Whether they understand this reason for it directly or not, they know on some level that telling isn't likely to lead to anything good, most of the time. It'll be awkward, possibly scary; they'll offend people, and they'll lose friends, and they won't be easily believed. Someone who hears this kind of thing needs to be skeptical of the complaint in order to avoid being forced to think of themselves or their accused friend as a creep or a predator. The way we talk about these issues forces that choice on them, one or the other: either your friend (or you) are a monster, or the complaint has to be minimized and dismissed.

You can see how this makes it harder for us to improve. Harder for us to learn how to better prevent making mistakes that hurt other people. When we're not ready to hear about what we've done wrong, and about what our friends and colleagues have done wrong, we coerce those who know - those who've been hurt - into not telling people about it. Then we don't learn from it, and we're more likely to do it again, and still not realize it.

Another anecdote. Recently in a group discussion, a friend commended me in everyone's hearing for the time that she and I were in bed together, turned on and both wanting each other, and I told her that I would not have sex with her because her consent seemed ambiguous to me, and I was not convinced that she knew how to say no. It's something I've done a number of times with a number of potential partners, actually. In telling people about it she was sending a few messages to the group. Among those messages, intentionally, she was letting them know that I take extra care about consent and that I'm safe. [Edit: another overt message is "here's something you too could do", a way of both praising and describing good practices.] Unintentionally, she was making it even harder for anyone to whom this message spread to ever tell me, or any of my friends, about any occasion in which I didn't take enough care and got it wrong. Because they know that other people may perceive me as safe and good to a greater than normal extent, they also know that it's even less safe to make accusations about me to people who have that impression. People who will go further to protect their idea of me, by attacking someone who says something that would redefine me. In other words, I'm in a position of power - part of it unsought and mine by default, and part of it legitimately earned through actions and effort over time - and that position of power stands as an obstacle that can prevent me from finding out the very things that would help me improve.

I certainly didn't always know that when someone initiates sexual activity and says "yes", and I really want to have sex, it's possible that she is conflicted and following through would hurt her. It's something I learned, as an adult, after I'd already had sex many times with several people. I'm glad I learned it, and I know it has helped me prevent harm, but learning it also lets me understand how I might have caused harm in the past in situations where I would not have understood that it was even possible. What's more, I'm still learning. I'm still getting better at this. Which means, I'm quite sure, that there are things I don't yet know.

Going on this learning journey requires understanding that we all have some power, to varying degrees, to harm people, and that our responsibility isn't to be innocent. What we actually want to do is connect with people, and have sex, and have powerful and positive sexual and intimate interactions, and at the same time prevent to the best of our ability the harm that we risk when pursuing those things; harm both to ourselves and to others. We need to learn what our power is, and what it can cause, and strategies for mitigating risk and preventing harm. We can't do that if being innocent of wrongdoing is our goal, because the only way to be sure to be innocent is to be ignorant.

For the past few paragraphs I've been talking about people who actively want to learn, and the obstacles that this predator/goodguy dichotomy causes for such people. But it's the people who aren't actively trying who are at much higher risk of harming their partners and others, and the obstacles we're creating are much higher when it comes to getting through to them. Innocence through ignorance is the common defense against being a creep, predator, or rapist, when it comes to people's personal identity. If they don't know their power and they don't understand what mistakes they might make, they can keep their self-image on the good side of that hard line, the side where they've never done "it", where the monsters are other people.

People go to great lengths to protect this innocence through ignorance, and I believe that's the main reason why there's so much resistance to education about sexual assault and rape, and to many related parts of feminism as well. Particularly when it comes to gender relations (though not just when it comes to gender relations), a lot of this is about the power men have and how it hurts women. In order to accept this, men have to accept the idea that they do have this power - even though they didn't consciously seek it - and the possibility that through this power, they have in fact hurt women, though they may not have intended it. Going down that path leads to the thoughts I talked about above, and they're not comfortable. If you're steeped in a predator/goodguy dichotomoy, going down that path is not possible, because you'd have to re-classify yourself as the predator. Most people will never do that. So they have to defend themselves, just as Bob and Cate did, and as Ian's friend's struggled with, and for a lot of people, that defense means rejecting the whole cluster of associated ideas.

To put it another way, if my goal is to be innocent, and someone tells me I violated someone's boundary when I didn't think I'd done that, my priority is to dismiss that claim, because I know I meant well and I know I'm good. Hearing what I did wrong will threaten that image of myself. It's only when I know that I can mean well and be good and still fuck up and that doesn't create a new identity for me, and when my goal is not to be innocent but to learn how to do better, that I can hear what they're telling me and learn from it and adjust accordingly for the future.

If we want to move forward, I believe we must reorient how we talk about these issues, not only to accept that someone who does a bad thing isn't automatically a predator, but to actively encourage the thought that most people who do these bad things are good people who need to hear constructively about what they did and how to avoid repeating it. At the same time, we need to still be clear that some people are predators, and they repeat these actions without changing, but that it takes more than an occasional mistake to cross that line of identity - it takes a pattern. We need to create space, both in ourselves and in our communities, to welcome hearing about these mistakes, apologize for them, learn from them, and change what we do to avoid repeating the same ones... without that preventing us from calling out actual predatory behavior. We've been focusing a lot on the latter, and it's understandable, because it's been a hard thing to do; predators have a lot of social support. But while working hard on improving one side of the problem, I think we're making the other side worse, so let's think about how to integrate our approach and move forward on both.


Edit: Several commenters are getting from my post ideas about there being a range rather than black/white, and that's part of it, but my real emphasis is the distinction between talking about actions and how to change them, vs. labeling people and treating actions as identity.

*****
Powerful article, no? Debates about consent, consent violators, and predators have been all over Fetlife lately. And they ARE debates; some people have very different opinions, and believe strongly they are right. 
The thing is, a lot of the time, both people can be right. It depends on the circumstances. 
I will probably touch upon this issue again soon…after my next book is out.